You're not very nice

Dear Douchbeag, I just want to share something with you.

The need to brag about one's current accomplishments by criticizing others is simply irritating.  Subconsciously or not, it makes one look mean, ugly, and apparently showcases ones low self-esteem....very tragic actually.  What is more tragic is that in the end, the kharmic retribution will punch one in the throat when one least expects it. 

Since you are unable to recognize that hating on others while stroking your own ego will result in sadness and loneliness, I will continue to speak honestly and encourage through my own positive actions or reactions.

Goodluck Douche....live long and prosper.

"How to brag--but not be a drag--online"

So as I browse the November 2013 issue of Condé Nast, I find myself daydreaming of my next vacation locale.  Granted, most of these beautiful travel spots are currently not within my financial means, I pin (via Pinterest) locations and hotels I would like to visit; which can fall into various categories like "Bucket List" or "Places to go," and yes some pins and locales are rooted in cinematography and magazine articles.  As I continue to dream and flip through the mag (well more like swipe since I have moved forward to "Newsstand" subscriptions....yes on my iPad!), I arrive on an article that begins to "school" on the do and don't on sharing ones travel experiences on social media sites.

#Shutup, is the byline and it begins with a reference from the infamous movie with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton, yes, Fight Club.

"The first rule of. . . .The second rule of..."

I begin to realize that as the author is attempting to school me, they forget what publication they are writing for and why most readers browse the pages of said magazine.  We, like to dream of far off adventures and yes, most of us like to "share" our own wishes and real experiences via social media.  I'm not a  marketing guru but I understand the necessity of advertising and sharing on various social media sites are free advertisements.  "Word of mouth," a phrase that can either close a place down or improve one's business.  I tend to believe the experiences from a layman person like me, then a professional that may be getting paid to promote a place is one of THE BEST ways to market.

So I find it humorous that the author is attempting to school me on how to share my experiences.  To me, the author sounds like someone who follows too many people on various social sites and those "said friends" like to share personal food pictures or beautiful locales or envious experiences. 

I don't think these rules set-forth by the author will be followed, but nice efforts... and what an awesome global-viewed avenue to try and make that change. 

Good luck and shut up!

What the frack!?

There are so many things going so majorly wrong in this picture.

1) This woman has a full back tattoo of fictional storybook characters.
2) This lady has a jacked-up haircut! Is it shaved? A mullet? A half mullet/fade?
3) How old is this woman, seriously!? 50?
4) What the hell is that hanging over her mirror? OH MY FRACKIN GOD! She has a mini cat portrait.

This lady is certifiably crazy!!!

Lost in Translation Part 2

And yet another crazy translation:

Lost in Translation

There is something really twisted when attempts to translate a language is lost in translation.  I recently found this in a Japanese store.

WTF?  Does the Japanese know something more about these two items?  What a fracked up correlation!  This reminds me of high school reading comprehension tests. 

Example -
Dog :: Food
Barry Manilow :: ?

A) songs
B) music
C) musician
D) botox
E) artichoke

The answer is.....

According to the Japanese, its frackin ARTICHOKE!  And not any type of 'choke but GLOBE artichokes.  (I would have guessed D).

Oy-to-the-mutha-frackin-Vay!

Strange marketing attempts

As seen in Costco!  Products that have very WEIRD marketing campaigns and it's not really for what you may be initially thinking.  Take a look:

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

Are your pants sagging? You may be suffering from PBS.

To all you MEN who wear SAGGY PANTS:
Did you know that "saggy pants" was originated in PRISON? It was to indicate that you were "available"
So if you want to go around town indicating you are "available" to ANOTHER MAN to TAP THAT, then keep at. I think you look like a f*ckin FOOL!
By the way, they call this PBS,  Prison Bitch Syndrome.



"I can't read, but you think I can count?"

The store is assuming that the patrons they are targeting is unable to count to 15.  However, they failed to recognize that these patrons probably can't read English!!! 
EPIC FAIL!

Jacked Up City Signs

What the frack!  So which is it? Can I turn? Yes? No?

Items that should not be purchased if it's marked down

Spotted on the CLEARANCE RACK at the local Bed Bath and Beyond.

There are certain items one should not buy at 50% off!

Eeeeeeeek! A Spider-Roach!

The worst nightmare ever!!!!  A super-bug came out of the basket and jumped at me.  I'm calling it the mega Spider-Roach. 
Envison...a spider, but the body is a roach and at the end of each spider leg, is yet another damn roach!
Get it! 

TAKE A CHILL PILL

Seriously!  You may bust a blood vessel from being too serious.  The mockery that I live daily allows me to get through the hard stuff.  It also allows me to learn from mistakes and hardships.  Laughing at myself and the self-depricating humor is the simple pleasure in my life.  People can be way too literal to appreciate a good rant.

F*CKTARD ALERT

As a friend stated, "I may not have children, but even I know you don't put a baby in a stroller then leave it in the middle of the street! F*cktard Alert!" 

A typical WTF moment!  Worse than a Jackhole, a F*cktard really needs a good ass-kicking. 

What would you do if you encounter a f*cktard?

Birth Defects & Deadly Diseases....WTF?!?!?!

Monsanto's Roundup linked to deadly diseases and birth defects ... http://ow.ly/1dHJET

My absenence is due to the creation of an Anti-Zombie posse!

Sure, I'll admit that I can be a slacker.  Why do you care? 

I've been busy reading up on the law and how to indite the criminally insane (or just the stupid).  If you fall into this category, watch out because I am coming after you.  Or at least my Anti-Zombie posse will get you.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

The Anti-Zombie posse is classically trained ninjas that will hunt you down and attack when you least expect it.  Are you ready for battle?

My choice is to not consume GENETICALLY MODIFIED FOODS!

Yup....GENETICALLY MODIFIED! 

Just the sound of these words seem scary.  The reality is that people SHOULD be scared.  The industry calls it GMO, Genetically Modified Organism.  GM foods is a result of laboratory manipulation that converts naturally grown produce.  The scary part is that these GM foods have unintended side effects that the lab is unable to prevent.  GM products are everywhere, thanks to major companies like Monsanto.  The terrible thing is that Monsanto has also bought smaller businesses and farms to do their testing.  I just discovered that Boca Burgers use GM products!

In my own personal effort to educate I provide some helpful tips:
http://www.nongmoshoppingguide.com/
http://organicconsumers.org/

The information is now in your hands!

My year in review...part 1

Just like every other fricken person, I too will ASSess my year and decide whether or not I was wasting time or doing great work.  Ok, the last one is a bit of a laugher but I will repost my list shortley!

Until then....get a load of this awesome picture!  It is corrective surgery gone hella-wrong.  Why would one want a butt-lift.  Only J.Lo can have a J.Lo ass.  Only KimK. can have a KimK ass.  But I don't want to burst anyones dreams, just get the ass you want the healthy way....climb some fricken stairs!  Get off your fat ass to get a nice ass! Bwahahahaha. 

Here you go!  I almost peed my pants.

Are you for real? Really?!

Get ready for a really good laugh .......OR......you may hurl at the sight.

The following "visual" landed in my range when meeting a friend for dinner.  Ok,  I almost lost my appetite.  But it is also CRAZY that I sat there for a few extra minutes to take this picture.  I was just in shock!  I also felt the need to share this crazy sight with others.  I am in disbelief.

Is this person a bit "nuts?"  Locals may think he escaped from Red Roof (the local "hospital").  However, if you look closely, the man is actually wearing a nice Panama hat! 

More emphasis...the man is also eating a bag of peanuts!  WTF?

A New Journey - week 1, part 2

Gung-ho, I'm ready to go!  A pre-walk to get things going.  My bootcamp partner wants to stretch before class starts.  The class today is about working our booty.  Nice. 

We sit.  We stretch.  We talk story.

People arrive, as well as our instructor.  Nice bunch of ladies; all ages and all sizes. 

Stretching wasn't as long as I thought.  We start with a jog.  I start of at a good pace.  (This is the first time I jogged in years!)  I was surprised I lasted as long as I did.  My highschool knowledge kicks in and reminds me how to maintain my breathing.  The 1-lap is over and I'm out of breath!  Yikes!

Next, 20 yards of walking lunges, gorilla walks, high jumps, and skips.  Repeat.  It's beginning to hurt and burn.  My muscles are getting weak.

I push through.  More lunges and squats.  In my last lunge, I over extend and FALL OVER!  (Man, do I feel lame!  No shame cuz I'm okay).  Ground work is next and I can actually do this.

The rest is a blur.  More runs, lunges, squats, etc.  I feel my quads more than my glutes, and more than my abs. 

The night progresses and I begin to move slower.  I toss in my sleep but still aware of the pain that is building.  I awake AND double-yikes.  I have a hard time standing out of bed.  I waddle to the bathroom and discover that it is even harder to sit on the toilet.  MY QUADS HURT AND I CAN BARELY WALK.

So I move slow throughout the day and decide that I can't go to class tonight, I can barely move.  Bending over is difficult.  Walking down my three stairs is difficult.  Walking up the stairs is just as hard.  Sitting IS HARD.  Standing IS HARD.  IT IS ALL HARD!

Day 2 - STILL HARD.  STILL feeling imobie.  FRACK!

WTF Wednesday: Why won't you just leave a message!

What The Frack Wednesday:

The invention of caller-id was not necessary, but very useful when random callers repeatedly call.  It's great to ignore those pesky sales calls that come while you're in the midst of doing something.  If you call me and I don't recognize the phone number, I have the choice to not answer.  LEAVE A MESSAGE.

An hour later, the same number is identified, and yet again, straight to voicemail. 

If it's an emergency, why won't you just leave a message!?

Day 2 and more calls and still NO MESSAGE!   I begin thinking, "who the hell is this?"  My curiosity is beginning to encourage me to actually answer the next time they call.

The call comes while I'm eating lunch.  Ignore.  Voicemail.....and OMG, they leave a message!

I decide to wait and finish my lunch before checking the message.  I *ring*....really!?

Agh!!!!  It's a frickin WRONG NUMBER.  Some kid looking or EXPECTING his girlfriend to answer the phone.   Really?!  OM-FRACKIN-G!!!!!

An hour later, the call again.  Hah, I'll answer you now:

"Listen, I don't know who you are but you got the wrong number."

"Who dis?"

"You got the wrong number.  Whome ever you are looking for, this isn't her number.  Stop calling."

Click.

I think to myself, "good job."

Uh, idiot boy calls two minutes later.  AND I ANSWER:

"STOP CALLING!  YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!"

Click.

This better be it.........*sigh* I really think it is.